Lately I have been struggling with my identity. I think it has abandoned me. It seems as if my fun loving, wise cracking self has been replaced with a “Wheels On The Bus” singing freak, who is more worried about her son’s poop then the upcoming election, her own health, and pretty much everything else. There is tons of information about what happens to a woman after she becomes a mom. There is scientific information based on hormonal changes, there is stuff on how your romantic relationships change, there will be a shift in thinking, everything will get reprioritized. My son, my son, my son, my son.
I am an only child, so words like brat, selfish, spoiled, have all been used to describe me (thanks mom). So it comes as no surprise that I am longing for some of my old life back. No, I would not trade my life as it is now for anything in the world. I am truly happy, and I love being a mom, but I do miss parts of my life before baby. I miss sleeping in, and trying new restaurants, I miss going for walks alone. I miss happy hour, and movies, and baseball games, and my friends.
My boyfriend keeps telling me to, “Go out and have fun,” but I just end up feeling guilty and anxious. What’s with this “mom guilt” anyway? Why should I feel bad about taking a yoga class, or meeting my girlfriends for a drink? I work hard and feel like I deserve some time out of the house and out of my sweat pants.
The thing of it is, I’ve always hated saying, “good-bye.” As an only child I clung to things that held sentimental value, I liked traditions and knowing what to expect. As a new mom I am being forced to say good-bye to so many of the things that made me who I was. That’s right, was, because now that I am a parent the time I spent trying new restaurants or sleeping in, is spent with the coolest little guy I have ever seen. All the things I have lost have been replaced with love and responsibility. It is incredibly fulfilling, albeit lonely at times, but I’m okay with that. Perhaps I haven’t lost my identity at all, maybe I’m just feeling the growing pains of a brand new one.